facing reality

ok, 12 hours till Im on a plane heading to LA, to go somewhere I dont want to go, but I know I have to go. The day Ive been blocking out, the day I dread facing has come around. The memories of that night never go away, the pain so deep I've never felt before. For 12 months Ive keep the pain hidden away, locked deep inside of me, cos Im scared of what will happen when I let it out. That day is now here, when I must walk up the road and through those gates and face the reality.

things starting to make sense

I think I get it now, why I have this burning need to go be at Forest Lawn on June 25. Being home last week, after my Gran passed away, things started to make sense as to why Im still in deep grief, why it still hurts soo much and why I haven't begun the healing process.

Last week, my Gran passed away, and even though the family is in shock and deep pain, the traditional rituals and procedures clicked into place. As with everyone else who I have known who has passed away, there is a certain routine to Irish Catholic Funerals. The person is either "waked" in the house or brought to a funeral home, where they are laid out in an open coffin, and people come to pay their respects, and offer their condolences to the family. There are traditional funeral prayers which everyone says, and everyone gets to say goodbye to the person. Then the coffin is closed and there is a funeral procession to the church where more traditional funeral prayers are said.

The next day there is funeral Mass, and another Funeral procession, this time to the graveyard. As the coffin is lowered into the ground, there are more traditional Funeral prayers and everyone says a last goodbye as the coffin is covered with flowers. Afterwards all the family and close friends have a get together, where memories are shared and people celebrate the life of the person who has passed away.

Its only just hit me now, thats why Im having such a hard time coming to terms with losing Michael. Its because my brain connects losing a person with all the Traditional Irish Funeral rituals and procedures, because thats how Ive always dealt with losing someone I know. Over the last 25 to 30 years, I would have gone to many funerals in Ireland, and all of them have followed the same rituals and procedures. For Michael I didnt have any of that, the age old procedures that just click into place when someone in Ireland passes away.

Thats why its soo soo hard for me to deal with all this pain and grief because I dont know how to deal with it not following the same pattern Ive been part of all my life.

Thats why its I just have to be there on June 25, no matter what, because in Ireland, thats what we do. Every year, as near as possible to the exact date, we go to a special Mass in honour of that person and visit their grave. Subconsciouslly thats what my brain is telling me to do, to go to Forest Lawn, because thats part of the traditions of how I was brought up.

waves hello

hi there to everyone from mj.com and everyone from MJFSC, thanks for all the hits to my blog, great to see your all as two faced as I thought you were, soo all the support when my account was deleted was fake, well what a surprise.... HAPPY READING TO YOU ALL XXXXXX

Truth, Justice, Michael

so June 13 is here again... 5 years since that horrible day... when we prayed that the Jury would see the truth and and officially tell the world that Michael was innocent. I remember that day soo well, in the end it came so fast, the day we all knew would happen but were scared to face.

Listening to the Jury results over the phone, I felt soo physically sick. The events of the last few months playing in my mind, praying that everything would be ok, not ever thinking about any other outcome.

2004 /2005 was the best of times and the worst of times. The fan community pulled together like never before or since. The thought of losing him shook everyone so much, that personal differences seemed soo small and irelevent. The forums became our lifelines, day after day we logged onto MJJ FORUM and KOPBOARD. Fans united in pain, became experts on the American legal system. Legal terms and procedure explained in simple terms, facts extracted from the most obsure reports. We found which media reports could be trusted and which not. Fans in Santa Maria took notes and wrote up reports and posted on forums. Fans got together and paid money for the daily court transcripts for the media which were then posted on the forums.. For light relief we had the daily press images from Getty / Rex etc, to ease the pain, there were huge discussions on Michaels everychanging suits. Thanks to Michael Bush, fans even had the chance to be involved with how Michael looked. Michael Bush very kindly allowed the fans to give input on different styles or cloth.

In Santa Maria, the fans were amazing. Many fans both American and International moved to Santa Maria temparaly for the duration of the trial. When the hotels realised that fans would be staying months rather than weeks, they worked out a longterm rate. Fans often slept up to 10 people in a hotel room, space was always found for anyone who needed somewhere to stay. American fans who moved to Santa Maria found night time work so that they could be in court everyday. European fans who were students would complete assisgnments outside the court or late at night.

Carpooling was another thing that happened on a regular basis. Many International fans travelled to Santa Maria on their own, and had no transport. Fans who had cars always made sure that fans on their own could visit Neverland, 40 mins drive away. Transport back to Neverland would be arranged outside the court every day, allowing as many fans as possible to participate in the night time candle vigils at Neverland.

All theses memories, of such a tramatic times, makes me realise how different the fan community is today. Back then, everyone stood shoulder to shoulder, united in just being there for Michael, helping him every day to find the strength to walk into that court room.

Now it seems that everything has fallen apart. So many fan groups, soo many people with their own agenda, who all seem to be wanting the the attention, of being recognised for being THE ONE doing the most for Justice.

Looking back, I think thats the difference. In 2004 /2005 fans didnt care about the media spotlight, about being recognised for their efforts for the Justice Campaign. We all did our bit, but we did it in the fan community. The only people we wanted to know about what we were doing was Michael and his family. All we cared about was letting Michael know that the worldwide the fans supported and cared about him. Yes we had Michael Is Innocent demos, but we didnt run to gossip sites like TMZ, wanting public valadation for our efforts.

Im not going to hid the fact that there have always been personal issues between fans. Yes there were times when fans argued and fought, that there were times when the fan community was not nice place, that at times it was everyone for themselves and gossip and chinese whispers spread like wildfire.

But somehow, the fan community united, it was like an unspoken truce, because we all realised the bigger picture and that how petty and irrelevent our squabbles were compared to the very real fact that we could ALL lose Michael.

Now it seems like no one cares. The one thing that held us all together, no matter what, Michael himself, is gone. Everyone is out for themselves, everyone trying to prove that THEY are the ones doing the most for the Justice Campaign, everyone wanting the public recognition for being a Michael Jackson fan.

Being a Michael Jackson fan, when Michael was here, used to mean staying away from the media, doing things just for Michael, not caring what the public thought, not looking for public recognition and acceptance. We did things quietly, stayed on the fringes of the general public and society. Very often being a Michael Jackson fan was something we kept private, and very few people ever knew about our "Michael Life".

Now it seems that you have to shout the loudest, wear a Justic tshirt all the time, be a member of a fan group. That you have to be sending emails and be tweeting. Interesting how all those who are the most vocal now, never did anything when Michael was actually here. That those who have experience in the fan community are scorned at and pushed aside.

Makes me wonder, if Michael was still here, would these same people be just as active, would they have created fangroups, and joined forums???

well hello there

gee thanks for all the hits on my blog, seems like I really hit a nerve and got people all in a bother cos I dont sugar coat and santise my words and dare to say online what many many fans in real life think. Let me just remind you all again, this is my personal space, I write what I want to write. If you dont like it, why do you continue to be here. Other than 1 link on my twitter, I havnt posted a link to this anywhere else. I write to make sense of all the jumbled thoughts, to help me cope. HAPPY READING FOLKS, and why not have a look at older blog posts while you are here, and get to know me a bit better

I am me

I am me, just me, I dont "follow" any one fan group or website or forum or person. I am a member of many sites, forums. I do things on my own, always have, I form my own opinions, from research and experience. I write whats on my mind, how I think and feel, nothing to do with anyone else, especially not Karen Faye, any of the Jacksons, any of their former staff members or any of their associates or friends. This blog is my personal space, to make sense of whats in my head. You dont like what I write, I dont care, dont come here then. This pain is too much sometimes, and writing here helps me cope, helps me to deal with things which I cant talk about. I say what I want to say, how I want to say it.

sometimes & confessions

sometimes I only write on here when Im drunk, thats when , suprisingly my thoughts are most clearest. Like how I cant stand MJFSC and especially miss "biggest fan" Erin ...go fuck yourself... Jacobs.. Like who the fuck made her the spokesperson of the fan community.. why the fuck do MJFSC run to TMZ all the time.. how much are they getting paid for all their "exclusives".... hey guess what miss Jacobs... non of the real fans can't stand you... all of us who actually sacrificed our lives for Michael... all of us who made him smile and who were there when it mattered, when he needed to know who the fan community were.... Everyone is laughing at you, trying to compinsate for your guilt at not being there.. heres two fingers to you, cos WE were the ones who were there, NOT you, so go fuck yourself, and your MJFSC fan group... honey, its too little too late, You will never have what we had... and the only ones who run after you and bow down to you are the newbie fans, the ones who don't know, that YOU never did anything before June 25, that you couldn't even be bothered to go and see him when he was living in the same state, only a few hours drive away... Its just soo unbelievable how NOW you have the time to go to Forest Lawn every month, yet you couldn't be bothered this time last year to go to see him, when he was living in Carolwood Drive and rehearsing in Center Staging and Staples Centre... How odd that fans travelled halfway round the world, yet you couldnt be bothered to drive 2 hours.... I cant wait for the day when this trial is over, and you cant sell anymore tshirts and you dissapear back to you "normal life", when will you get the message... JUST GO AWAY...

the countdown begins

3 weeks to go. Am I excited ... yes.... am I scared....yes..... It kinda feels like 2 different trips... 1 to go to Forest Lawn and the other 2to have my first proper holiday with friends, just being tourists and not going to some Michael event etc.

I have to be happy and excited cos my sister is staying with at the moment. She dosn't get the whole Michael thing, dosnt know how much it has affected me, dosn't realise how much pain I'm going though, dosnt realise that I cry nearly everyday. So as a result, I'm all happy and bouncy about going to LA, the pain and heartache I keep secret.

In a way, all the happy bouncy excitment is masking how scared I am. I have to go to Forest Lawn, to face the reality, to try to make sense of this deep pain, to figure out where to go from here.

But this trip is also the first time in my life, that I actually feel like Im going on a real proper holiday. For the first time in my life, Ive been buying "holiday" clothes, "holiday toiletries" etc. The last time I went on a "proper" holiday like this was 18 years ago, when we went on our first and only family holiday to Florida. That was the one and only time Ive been to Disneyland and Universal studios, and it kinda feels like all the things I wanted to do on that holiday but couldnt cos I was with my family, I can now do.

Is it wrong to feel like this... that Im looking forward to my holiday, and just blocking out the real reason why I will be in LA, blocking out going to Forest Lawn....

I do know, though, that if I didnt have this holiday in LA to keep my mind off June 25, then most likely I wouldnt be able to cope, would be in such a deep depression, that I would not be able to function.....