things starting to make sense

I think I get it now, why I have this burning need to go be at Forest Lawn on June 25. Being home last week, after my Gran passed away, things started to make sense as to why Im still in deep grief, why it still hurts soo much and why I haven't begun the healing process.

Last week, my Gran passed away, and even though the family is in shock and deep pain, the traditional rituals and procedures clicked into place. As with everyone else who I have known who has passed away, there is a certain routine to Irish Catholic Funerals. The person is either "waked" in the house or brought to a funeral home, where they are laid out in an open coffin, and people come to pay their respects, and offer their condolences to the family. There are traditional funeral prayers which everyone says, and everyone gets to say goodbye to the person. Then the coffin is closed and there is a funeral procession to the church where more traditional funeral prayers are said.

The next day there is funeral Mass, and another Funeral procession, this time to the graveyard. As the coffin is lowered into the ground, there are more traditional Funeral prayers and everyone says a last goodbye as the coffin is covered with flowers. Afterwards all the family and close friends have a get together, where memories are shared and people celebrate the life of the person who has passed away.

Its only just hit me now, thats why Im having such a hard time coming to terms with losing Michael. Its because my brain connects losing a person with all the Traditional Irish Funeral rituals and procedures, because thats how Ive always dealt with losing someone I know. Over the last 25 to 30 years, I would have gone to many funerals in Ireland, and all of them have followed the same rituals and procedures. For Michael I didnt have any of that, the age old procedures that just click into place when someone in Ireland passes away.

Thats why its soo soo hard for me to deal with all this pain and grief because I dont know how to deal with it not following the same pattern Ive been part of all my life.

Thats why its I just have to be there on June 25, no matter what, because in Ireland, thats what we do. Every year, as near as possible to the exact date, we go to a special Mass in honour of that person and visit their grave. Subconsciouslly thats what my brain is telling me to do, to go to Forest Lawn, because thats part of the traditions of how I was brought up.